Observations on Travel

This is a red letter day for me. For the first time in my life I have a passport. Darlene and I sent in all the stuff a couple of weeks ago and our brand spanking new passports arrived today. I'm not sure why we got them, but now we can go anywhere at the drop of a hat - anywhere we can afford, that is.

In my previous job, I traveled a lot. I was at the airport most Mondays or Tuesdays and back Thursday or Friday. In 2007 I spent 92 nights in Marriott properties alone, not to mention all the other hotels. I traveled so much that the parking lot attendant at the airport noticed when I traded cars. That's when you know you're spending too much time on the road.

One thing for sure, though, you see a lot of sites and learn a lot when you travel that much. Some things are helpful. Take, for instance, a George Clooney line from the hit movie "Up In The Air". He said, "In the security line, always get behind the Asian guys. They pack light and have an affinity for slip on shoes." Good advice.

Other things are funny or just don't make any sense. George Carlin had a great routine on air travel. He said it's no wonder people are afraid to fly because the first word they see at the airport is the word "Terminal". Makes sense to me.

On a recent trip to Baltimore, I noticed several things regarding planes and air travel that just don't make sense to me. I'd send them to George, but he's....well, you know....gone. So here are my additions to the list:

"If Baltimore is not your final destination, you should deplane at this time." - Deplane? What does that mean? We don't "decar" or "detruck", do we? Have you ever heard of a police officer saying "Decar with your hands up!" No need to make up new words. Just tell us "If you're not going to Baltimore, you better get off now." Simpler is always better.

"....put the flat end into the buckle and pull the strap to tighten." - If there's anyone out there who doesn't know how a seatbelt works, I certainly don't want to be 30.000 feet in the air with them. Seriously, is it necessary to explain how it works? Just tell us to make sure they're fastened. Again, simpler is better.

"In the event of a water landing...." - First of all, if we end up in the water it's NOT a landing, it's a crash. Second, I'm not sure a guy my size should rely on a life preserver that looks like it was made for a 4 year old and should have Dora the Explorer painted on it.

"......put the mask over your face and breathe normally." - Yeah, right! Get this picture - you're flying along when all of a sudden the cabin depressurizes and all the oxygen masks come out of the ceiling. What's your next move? I'll tell you this, I wouldn't want to be sitting next to ME if that happens, 'cause you're not getting a mask. I'm grabbing 3 just in case some of them don't work. How often do they check those things, anyway?

"FAA regulations require that you NOT congregate around the lavatory in the front of the cabin" - Congregate around the lavatory? Are you kidding? It's not like it's a punchbowl, for goodness sakes! Have they ever smelled an airplane toilet? Trust me, if I'm headed toward the lavatory, it's out of necessity, not because I want to meet new friends. Besides, it's all I can do to fit in one of those things anyway. I like to do my business while I'm on the ground, the way God intended.

And just think, we haven't even left the ground yet. I have some other travel advice for you, but I'll save that for another time. No sense unloading everything on you at once.

Till next time..........